1st week of school

Its the end of first week in school ... some usual faces couldn't be seen anymore ... as what everyone feared most ... they pulled out from the course . What i heard was their result wasn't good enough . What is " not good enough " ? I dare not probe further for fear of making them feel more awful about the situation . I was afriad as well ... they were very hardworking people and such a situation still occurs . Its unbelievable ... but its a reality right in front of me . Ryan is going to graduate soon from my course and i feel so happy for him ... i hope in another 2 years time i will also graduate . Then i can tell myself i've fufilled my part for the education phase .

While on the train home last night ... the thought of her just came to my mind ... someone so very dear to me ... but there will never be a chance of me holding her again ... this is all in the past but its just seems like yesterday when i think about it ... Its silly and probably stupid to think about the "what ifs" but ... i know within , i will be stirred up easily by her pressence again , sometimes when life becomes so unbearable i wish shes around to tell me " everything will be fine de " ... perhaps i should have told her how important such simple things were ... but its rather late i guess , i wasn't matured enough to understand what being in a relationship should be back then and neither am i now ... sometimes i would wonder what she will tell me if i were to tell her things were tough ... perhaps what i really need is not what shes going to say , i guess i just want her ... if only tht is possible ... if i can turn back time ... if only i can undo my wrongs ... if only ... but these "if onlys" was only possible after i realise ....

sometimes i ask myself "why" ... why do i realise it so late ... why ? why i couldn't have the initiative back then to think more throughly ... but i guess it was because i took it for granted that she will always be there ... a fact that cannot be disputed ... but saying all these ... some of you may say it doesn't serve any purposes at all isn't it ... it may be so ... but i just feel like writting it down ... writing out how i feel ... if you're happy to see someone ... don't hesitate to say it ... if i had the chance again ... whenever you're at my doorstep ... i just want to say " i'm very happy to see you " ... its not just plain words ... i cannot describe this "happy" its like a combination of " happy , glad , "wanting to hug you" , the heart is jumping like mad , " its beyond words ... thats all i can say ...

Afterall ... these are all my "if only" ... they exists here and only here ... ^^