>>>run and run

Later going for that 10km Nike~ Run .... The wenhao ... nigel ... kenny will be running this time .... and we're signing up for the 42km RUN WAHAHAHA .... that will be like crazy .... i've only marched 36km will full body packs but never ran that long before ... i guess i really must get my butt off the chair and run if i want to survive that 42km ... allan chen was like telling me to run that 42km also ... i use to run with him and HT during the evening when i was still in camp and they told me i should give it a try ^^ but i have to train up for that ...

Argh raining ... if the rain continues ... the rain will be cancelled T_T.

And one last thing to add before i go ... please watch wall-e !!! Nice ^^

wa EXCELLENT PICTURE LA !

Woa i read Simone's blog then i saw these ! WOOT ! Powderful right ^^ Its at the top section of the waterfall in Cambodia :P

No time now la ! So back to books sorry >.< Oh OH NIKE RUN NEXT SUNDAY ...

Heehee adjusted in ... i will give my best ... ^^

Alright ... school is like the first time i in army ... scared and scared ... i found my allies of course and i'm testing out the system at the same time . I am still ok in term of understanding because i am always a chapter behind the professor . Its not the end ... so ^^ i'm going to hang in there and enjoy the late night mugging and fretting over studies ... i have to take it in a positive manner ...

I remember years back when i was in secondary school ... i always get F9 for my A maths ... you guys must be surprised ... I was good with E maths but not A maths ... my maths teacher ... Miss Tai then was very nice to me ... when the mid term exam result was out she wanted to see my mother because its meet the parent session ... Mum went and she told her this ... " Your son very playful and very good at consoling himself ... but one thing i must admit ... he very persistence . " I remembered her words even till now as no one had ever praise me with such strong words. For that i slogged myself everyday on A maths ... Eventually i got C5 in O level and i was very happy ... I survive maths but LOL i flunk my pure physics because i simply didn't think much about it ...

Here i am in University ... i always think i'm lucky ... but i think i did make some effort to get to where i am today ... so how can i let it pass me so easily ^^ even if i had to cry to finish this ... i will cry to finish this ... i've come too far to give up ... i got so many folks cheering me on ^^ so i'm alright now ... when you see me in a daze ... actually i'm trying to think of formulas so chill ok ^^ i may not like what i'm studying now because it has no link to what i really want but i love the knowledge i've gained ... :P to be honest i want to get my major in environmental and at the same time do a minor in psychology ^^ YAY PSYCHOLOGY ... my dream la ~ ask shuning .. ask anyone, i want to be in that field ever since young ... now i got a chance to get that ! so i must GET IT BECAUSE I WANT IT ... although in paper like what Allan say ... weird combination ... but i don't really care ^^ .

Anyway i watched Cyborg She with Puiyee today ... the folks all cannot make it ... so only me and her ... and shes the only one who will entertain Japanese Movie request with me ... The rest of the folks don't like sobs movies ahahah ... so how was it ? EXCELLENT LA ... i love movies which can reach into my heart ... i want to feel feelings ... sad or happy ... i want to understand feelings ... i don't get to learn more about emotions now because everybody in school is like so distant ... and thus i am not able to peer into their hearts to see the real them ...

Its a very lonely thing when you can't share whatever you are feeling ... don't you all agree with me on this ? I believe that at some point of your life you may had felt this and at that point of time your heart really cries because its starting to feel lonely ...

^^ Woot ... back to books and i'm running next sunday Nike race :P with Nigel and Kenny ... maybe i'll take some photos :P Till then ... stay healthy and happy ... for we only live once and lets make this life a memorable one ... peace !

Ok heres some review ...

Week 3 is coming to an end ! So far i think i can manage somehow ... with some help of course .

Let me give you a brief description of what i'm studying ...

I'm in the School of Civil and Environmental Engineering ....
Currently i'm doing modules mainly on Civil Engineering ....
Stuffs like
- Mechanics of materials = Physics T_T ( Extremely tough )
- Foundation Physics = More physics
- Essential Mathematics = This one ok ...
- Environmental Chemistry = can understand a bit
- Fluid Mechanics = MORE calculation
- Engineering Probability and Statistics = Another killer
- Lab work
- Technical Communication = Basically to draft reports like an Engineer >.< ( Project )

So Ya lor .... 1 day 24 hours not enough ... if i had longer time ... i think its not that hard to do well actually :P Finally adjusted myself in .... Mugging and Mugging and of course i don't push myself so much that i stare at questions i don't know ...I go back school and ask those PROS !

I'll let my dearest people like you all ... know the dark side of the folks in school ... you see grading are done in a bell curve manner .... so if you flunk means other people who do averagely may be pushed upward .... so some folks inside there simply don't share their knowledge with you and demand you to share yours with them . Of course for me i share if i know ... but when i ask them back ...GUESS WHAT ? They tell me they don't know .... the following day in tutorial class ... i ask "hey you manage to do all ?" they finish everything ... i feel so sick of them ... you're like using me to climb up and then kill me so you will survive ... if it was really combat in life to fight for survival and i know that you are such a person i would have gladly let you die. So much for being kind and nice to those folks ... Worst still ... they make hell lot of noise in class ... one particular person ... everytime the Professor finish a sentence .... he would "ah huh" , "Yah..so" , "therefore ?" , "absolutely right !" , "Hmm ... Like replying to the professor as if they were having conversation ... Here i am trying to understand what the professor meant ... you make one so much remarks ... I always sit away from him ... but he like glue always stick to my group ... Feel like feeding him some punches .... maybe break all the teeth for his lower jaw so he can shut up ... but .... nah~ maybe 10 years ago i would do that .... i just simply avoid him ... some folks already started to feel irritated by him ... i'll just sit by and watch show ^^ i'll do my stuff and avoid sitting close to him ... :P

So much for now ... maybe weekend i update more ... have to go for my run now ...

Pretty Uncertain ...

Had been riding on emotional roller coaster few weeks already .Heres what i have to say ... i know where all these are coming from ...

1. Not confident about passing the semester ....
2. Afriad of failing modules ... i had to sit for 6 papers ( all physics calculation related and advanced A maths ) 1 project and a lab T_T
3. Afriad if i can't make it .... i might not be able to get a good paying job to support my parents

All this 3 major worries are spinning my head everyday ... not to mention i had to study till late just to reduce the disparity between the lectures and my own knowledge. When i finally understood something ... something new comes along ... everyday ... some i've not even started T_T the pace is amazing ... sometimes i can stuck at a question for like 2 hours ... and still trying to solve it ... I had to attempt every one of them otherwise i won't know what i don't understand. For that i peg my progress aganist tutorial ... i can i do these means i understand the topic ... if i can't means i had something i don't know and i need to get it ironed out fast. I don't have much time everyday to ask around ... tutorial classes sometimes are useless ... the Prof quite stucked up for certain classes. They want you to ask question and if you ask in the proper sequence they will solve the question for you eventually ... And they just tell you theories .... you have to figure it out yourself ... pretty hopeless sometime ... I finally had to tell myself and my parents this ... I will do everything i can this semester ... but if i don't make it without failing any modules ... i will cease studying there and back to serving my remaining NSF days ... After which i will go join the work force and climb from there . Not that i don't wish to get a degree ... Its just so hard sometimes i wish i just die there .... i never sleep at all in class .... NEVER ! No matter how boring or shitty the lecture is i paid full 100% attention to the lecturer .... i'm giving my best ... but i just don't feel confident at all .... not a bit .... then when you sit alone and study ... there comes a breaking point ... lonliness sets in ... your mind get those negative thoughts ... its like a never ending cycle .... i can still manage .... for now .... but just how long can i continue ... i hope i have the endurance and luck to finish this properly ... after all i want my parents to retire after i graduate ... if i finish studying means my sister also graduate from accountancy ... she probably gets 1st or 2nd upper class honours judging from her grades now.

I just hope .... i really hope .... i can finish this ... in the meanwhile ... i just do what i can :)

I almost didn't want to wake up ...

I had a very nice dream ... how wish it had last longer ... but like all things ... everything has an end ^^ Not going to talk about what i dreamt ... maybe some peeps might know but i'm not going to post it here ...

So hows school life after 2 weeks ? I mug books almost everyday till 1+am ... so that i can catch up with my understanding ... actually i'm a few formulas behind for most of the lecture ... so i have to use my time at home to read again and again ... some which i can't understand .. i just had to take it as it is ... The dudes asked me out for drink tonight but ... i told them i cannot make it ... because i have to do prayers for my grandfather ... and after that i have to study again ... so that i have a day at least for myself on saturday ...

Somehow when i look at myself and asked ... Do you think you will really become an engineer ? You love listening more than calculation .... you love talking about feelings more than anyone else ... doesn't make sense but since i step in ... theres no turning back ... theres something i need to obtain here ... 3 years ... but i just want to be happy ...

I'm not happy everyday >.<>.< then we will know if this place is for me or not ... Ok enough about school ....

Jerry and Me take train home ... at about 5 pm ... Jurong West ... the crowd here is amazing ... train entrance would often be flooded by them ... if i'm unlucky i had to wait for 2 trains ... when i get a sit .. it will always be those priority ones ... and EVERYTIME ... yes everytime till date some needy ones would appear in front of me ... of course i give my seat to them ... sometimes when i'm not at the priority seat and those pregnant ladies appear those people ! who had the priority seat will ACT BLUR and don't give them the seat they deserve ... Jerry tell me ... this is very common ... I tell him ... i just hope next time people will let me sit down when i'm not strong enough to stand for long journeys ... i don't get it ... simply don't ... after so many mistakes ... i learn that if you hope to get a smile everyday ... its best to be nice to people ... if you're nasty and impatient to others ... your day will turn out to be the same for you :P

OK ... back to books >.< I want to rest tomorrow T_T

I'm back from school ...

After sobbing for like hours when i type the previous post ... i went to meet Jerry and took his car to school ... i'm very blessed to have him driving most of the time which saves me from taking long public transport ... i actually went to check out SIM website last night ... and i spotted something ^^ Psychology :P Thats like the dream course i wanted to do in UNI but got rejected and they are offering it .

Didn't think that my discipline requires so much calculation and formulas and ...... sigh ~

I was talking to Jerry on the way home and i told him how i felt about all these issue . I told him that if one day i have to worry about all these comfortable life i'm living what would happen ? Then he say ... If i was a millionaire today and tomorrow i become a bankrupt ... he would definately see me on straits time mortuary section ... simply because i can't face reality . He did hit the point i'm driving at however , i told him that if you're used to living a financially problem free life and this kind of event happen to you ... YES you can adapt but life will be different . Is that the life you want ? Having to think twice before spending on anything ... we are not saying about being poor here . Its not what i want ... I know myself very well . I don't wish to live in a way where i have to worry for money because if i have to means a lot of things will become a big problem . In order to beat that ... its either i strike lottery ... or get a degree to have a better paying job ... I know and we all know having a degree does not equate to higher income but its a good beginning . Its like a key to open doors which is locked to those without it . There are alternative ways to achieve it, but sometimes it depends on luck ... how lucky can you get ? The thing that is certain is uncertainty ... so we're back to square one .

I may set up stall and sell BeeHoon soon ... :P Some ranting ... i'll let things move and see ... no point stressing myself anymore ... just read slides and do tutorials .... don't know ? ask .... ask until i understand .... its like usual study method for me ... ... i do tutorial, spend 4 hours also yield no result ... no point ... might as well go tutorial class and ask :P

I don't know what to do ... ...

I thought i had understood the stuff ... and i tried to attempt the tutorials ... i sat there for 4 hours ... refering to whatever notes i had ... i couldn't solve it ... i couldn't write a single line of formula ... then i feel like its the end for me .... no one at home ... my desk flooded with notes ... in the night where it rained heavily i waited for Mum and Dad to come home to have my dinner , i'm feeling that scared and lonely . I tried ... but i can't solve anything ... nothing ... it makes me feel like i can't get anything done anymore and all that i'm good for is nothing ... I don't know who to go to ... who can tell me what i should do ? ... i know no one could ... but i'm so lost now ...

I told Mum ... i may want to withdraw if i can't make it this semester ... i don't wish to see their hard earn cash go down the drain ... then i told her ... i have no clue what i should do after that . She tell me to study hard ... just do whatever i can and don't make such a decision so soon . Then i just sat there looking at my notes again ... She would turn around and look at how i was doing once a while ... but still in the end i gave up trying to solve ... i just went straight to bed ... hopping that when i sleep all my worries will be gone ... when i woke up everything just came rushing back into my head ... and here i am ... trying to find a place to hide from everything ... i go no solution to them ... this is just a place to pour my heart out ... i don't know what will happen next ... i really don't know . Not that i'm giving up ... i think i'm taking it too hard till i can't breathe ... if not i think i might just drop dead ... i need to let my head clear a bit ...

So tough ...

I think i had the blessing from Simone . Maybe she prayed hard for me ( Maybe >.< ) And so i passed QET , officially exempted from having to take up the English Proficiency Course thereby saving 2 hours every week ^^ Yay !

I've been meeting new people everyday >.< its a crazy place to know people ... as long as its a common lecture ... all i have to do is sit beside someone i don't know and i go introduce myself ... i have yet to go into tutorial classes yet but i'm sure there are MORE new folks to meet ^^

I've been feeling very low for the past few days and passing QET somehow made me feel a little more at ease . You know why ? I'm not those super smart kid in poly whose GPA score range from 3.7 to 3.9 or Merit Holders . . . Guess what i've been hearing ? Some of those with that range of GPA actually drop out of course because they cannot cope and even some Merit Holders . Then i look at myself whose GPA is like 3.3 only ... its very disheartening , so when i hear all these and i look at those alien lecutre notes ... i can't help but feel very sad ... sad because i may not be able to accomplish what i set out to do ... as a whole i got not confidence in myself now ... some folks told me ... In this place ... If you don't study hard , be prepared to fail ... If you study hard , you may have to chance to make it ... tel me ... how can i not be worried ...

Jerry told me i'm taking things to hard ... and i should take it easy ... then i told him this . How can i not be serious about this . On the surface its for my future ... Yes its for my future ... but where i am now and why i can be here isn't because of me ... Mum and Dad has always been the one there to push me here . They may not be able to coach me but they provide me with all the things i need . How can i not be worried that i cannot repay them back ? I'm not trying to say i'm fillial or something ... Its the least i have to do right ? Its only right i give them a better life after they work so hard for many years ... its not like they are young anymore . I have to care for them if not who would ?

I consider myself fortunate enough ... not having to worry about anything ... my school fees my allowances ... all the basic necessites has been taken care of by them ... just by saying i'm grateful don't change anything ... i have to take care of them ... and i will .

Now mum told me when my sister was doing her first year ... she cried her way through ... its the same for me ... i also cry ... i can't tell you whats the feeling like ... but its very hard ... very hard on the mind and heart ... i just pray and cry and hope that i don't give up trying ... :)

Class ? ? ?

Today the first day ^^

Scared ...

First Lecture got like hundreds of people ... The lecture hall is like 3 times bigger than those in poly ... some sat alone .... some came in grous ... I sat with Jerry and a few folks ... thats what happen when you gain directy entry ... and if you do engineering like me . No orientation group unlike some other courses .... because they have fixed group ... i'm like a lost soul drifiting and trying to fit in . I even had problem locating the lecture hall for maths .... and i was like late for 15 minutes .... luckily its the first day ... so i did not miss out anything .

After going through the lectures ... i must say they are going at the speed of light .... its like cramming in 3 years of poly work into 1 year .... i hope i can take it ... i really hope .... i want to see the day where Mum and Dad will sit in the auditorium while i recieve the graduation stuff from whoever is there . Thats what i hope for .... Oh well the result for QET will be out tomorrow ... I hope i pass it ... pray ah !